Marching to the beat of my own drum
I know the rebel in me is ever so present.
just waiting and plotting to break free.
Caged, locked and tightly hidden, for fear of others discovery.
But I say to myself, why hide it? Why not show the world its presence?
So, from this day forward, I will make its presence known and shall never shun its glorious form.
What exactly is a rebel? A rebel is different things to everyone...mine is freedom of self expression from myself....I'm rebelling against me....The me who wants to be liked by everyone to the point of saying, wearing, doing what others expect of me? In the years of self reflection, I have discovered that total self expression is freeing. I feel totally myself. As I've told friends of mine, I'm a student of life...meaning that I'm learning everything I can from life. Life has a lot to teach us and it's up to us to open our eyes and have an open mind to new ideas. Ideas that can move us forward and not backward. Ideas than can help mankind have a peaceful world and tolerance for each other. Ideas that will help our environment. And it starts with one person, me, you. We can't change others, but we can change how we view the world and everything and everyone else around us. From now on, I'm going to be true to me, and not be afraid to be the person I know me to be. For so long I felt like I have been hiding behind a facade, a mask. Why? Because I have been doing it so long that hiding has become a comfort zone for me. But part of me is angry because I'm not real. I hide myself because it's part of my defense mechanism, the only way I felt I can fit in in my surrounding. This is something I have learned from a young age because I've never felt like I belonged anywhere before. I've always felt like a fish out of water, but not so now. I feel more comfortable in my new skin...or at least the skin hidden from the world in the past. I'm not afraid of not having friends now, so I think that's why I have more courage to simply be me. I just want to lead a simple life. I want everything to be simple and have less complications. I won't wage battles with myself anymore and do whatever is comfortable because who really cares. I know I'm a kind person and I'm thoughful, and I"m always going to be that way. I won't deliberately hurt others feelings, but I'm not going to shy away from telling people my true opinions about things like I did in the past. I'm not going to worry about what others say or think about me because I'm a divorcee and that my kids are not with me. For one, it's none of their business, and second, they don't know what happened and why things are this way. Some people have not refrained from saying what they thought. I know people who don't know me think I must have been the one who defected in the marriage, but they don't know and they simply assume because I don't have my kids with me. What they don't know is that I gave my eldest a choice and he chose and he can always change his mind, but I can't take the choice away from him because I have to stand by my decision to let him have a voice. Having choices in life is important and that, ladies and gentlemen is why my kids are not with me. I rarely talk about my kids not because I don't love them, but because just a mention of my kids brings me immense pain. I rarely look at photographs from the past, although I have a couple on my bulletin board, because it's hard to look back at goodtimes when I thought things were going to stay the same for the rest of my life. What I mean is that I thought I had a great marriage and it would last a lifetime, and everything I strived for was for our future. I sacrificed so much going to school because it was for the family's well-being. I did it all. I managed my time well so I could fit in everything that I deemed important. I didn't have a babysitter for the boys because I made sure I was going to be home from school when they got home from school. It was important to me to be with the boys when they were home. I took David to his practices and games and he was doing very well in school, and so was AJ. I did homework after they were in bed until the wee hours of the nite. I sacrificed sleep during those times and I got to the point where four hours of sleep was enough to function. There were many months that it was just my boys and me at home and our pattern continued. Looking back now, I'm amazed of my former self that I was able to do it all being alone. So keeping that in the back of my mind, I know for sure that I am capable of anything I set my mind to do. During this time I kept a 3.6 GPA (appx)in college, which is pretty good considering this was the height of my youngest son's disorder. It was during this period of my life that I learned to think for myself. Perhaps my professors from school influenced me to think and probe deeper within me to find the answers to who I am/was and what I deemed important in life. Once you get a glimpse of who you truly are, there's no turning back. Going backward will only bring you unhappiness because your new self will no longer be satisfied to continue to think the way you have in the past. You can only keep moving forward and discovering new things about yourself. It truly is like a light bulb just lit and you begin to understand what life truly is all about and you begin to realize the important things in life and that you have been traveling the wrong path all along and what you once held important were not really significant in the scheme of things. It was this time that the kind of car I drove no longer mattered, and that my dream house was a small cottage with lots of flowers and veg garden in the back. My taste got simpler and more subdued compared to before. Comfort and hominess were my new obsessions. The size of my dream home no longer mattered. But who do I marry? A man with a big house...haha...Well, it goes to show that you never get what you ask for.....haha..j/k although Richard is like me. He enjoys the simplest things and he does not require the glitz and glamour to be happy. He's down to earth and so are his friends. With his closest friends, I never have to worry about being judge for what I have and don't have. That feeling is great. I feel care free in that aspect, I can totally be myself and not have to worry about being me. I no longer am a rebel. I'm simply being me.
just waiting and plotting to break free.
Caged, locked and tightly hidden, for fear of others discovery.
But I say to myself, why hide it? Why not show the world its presence?
So, from this day forward, I will make its presence known and shall never shun its glorious form.
What exactly is a rebel? A rebel is different things to everyone...mine is freedom of self expression from myself....I'm rebelling against me....The me who wants to be liked by everyone to the point of saying, wearing, doing what others expect of me? In the years of self reflection, I have discovered that total self expression is freeing. I feel totally myself. As I've told friends of mine, I'm a student of life...meaning that I'm learning everything I can from life. Life has a lot to teach us and it's up to us to open our eyes and have an open mind to new ideas. Ideas that can move us forward and not backward. Ideas than can help mankind have a peaceful world and tolerance for each other. Ideas that will help our environment. And it starts with one person, me, you. We can't change others, but we can change how we view the world and everything and everyone else around us. From now on, I'm going to be true to me, and not be afraid to be the person I know me to be. For so long I felt like I have been hiding behind a facade, a mask. Why? Because I have been doing it so long that hiding has become a comfort zone for me. But part of me is angry because I'm not real. I hide myself because it's part of my defense mechanism, the only way I felt I can fit in in my surrounding. This is something I have learned from a young age because I've never felt like I belonged anywhere before. I've always felt like a fish out of water, but not so now. I feel more comfortable in my new skin...or at least the skin hidden from the world in the past. I'm not afraid of not having friends now, so I think that's why I have more courage to simply be me. I just want to lead a simple life. I want everything to be simple and have less complications. I won't wage battles with myself anymore and do whatever is comfortable because who really cares. I know I'm a kind person and I'm thoughful, and I"m always going to be that way. I won't deliberately hurt others feelings, but I'm not going to shy away from telling people my true opinions about things like I did in the past. I'm not going to worry about what others say or think about me because I'm a divorcee and that my kids are not with me. For one, it's none of their business, and second, they don't know what happened and why things are this way. Some people have not refrained from saying what they thought. I know people who don't know me think I must have been the one who defected in the marriage, but they don't know and they simply assume because I don't have my kids with me. What they don't know is that I gave my eldest a choice and he chose and he can always change his mind, but I can't take the choice away from him because I have to stand by my decision to let him have a voice. Having choices in life is important and that, ladies and gentlemen is why my kids are not with me. I rarely talk about my kids not because I don't love them, but because just a mention of my kids brings me immense pain. I rarely look at photographs from the past, although I have a couple on my bulletin board, because it's hard to look back at goodtimes when I thought things were going to stay the same for the rest of my life. What I mean is that I thought I had a great marriage and it would last a lifetime, and everything I strived for was for our future. I sacrificed so much going to school because it was for the family's well-being. I did it all. I managed my time well so I could fit in everything that I deemed important. I didn't have a babysitter for the boys because I made sure I was going to be home from school when they got home from school. It was important to me to be with the boys when they were home. I took David to his practices and games and he was doing very well in school, and so was AJ. I did homework after they were in bed until the wee hours of the nite. I sacrificed sleep during those times and I got to the point where four hours of sleep was enough to function. There were many months that it was just my boys and me at home and our pattern continued. Looking back now, I'm amazed of my former self that I was able to do it all being alone. So keeping that in the back of my mind, I know for sure that I am capable of anything I set my mind to do. During this time I kept a 3.6 GPA (appx)in college, which is pretty good considering this was the height of my youngest son's disorder. It was during this period of my life that I learned to think for myself. Perhaps my professors from school influenced me to think and probe deeper within me to find the answers to who I am/was and what I deemed important in life. Once you get a glimpse of who you truly are, there's no turning back. Going backward will only bring you unhappiness because your new self will no longer be satisfied to continue to think the way you have in the past. You can only keep moving forward and discovering new things about yourself. It truly is like a light bulb just lit and you begin to understand what life truly is all about and you begin to realize the important things in life and that you have been traveling the wrong path all along and what you once held important were not really significant in the scheme of things. It was this time that the kind of car I drove no longer mattered, and that my dream house was a small cottage with lots of flowers and veg garden in the back. My taste got simpler and more subdued compared to before. Comfort and hominess were my new obsessions. The size of my dream home no longer mattered. But who do I marry? A man with a big house...haha...Well, it goes to show that you never get what you ask for.....haha..j/k although Richard is like me. He enjoys the simplest things and he does not require the glitz and glamour to be happy. He's down to earth and so are his friends. With his closest friends, I never have to worry about being judge for what I have and don't have. That feeling is great. I feel care free in that aspect, I can totally be myself and not have to worry about being me. I no longer am a rebel. I'm simply being me.
posted by Yellow Roses at 1:34 PM
2 comments
