Watch out people, this may be another melancholy entry on my part. It's been a year and one month since my last entry, so this may be extra long. I look around me, at friends, family, and people I know online and see that they all seem to have found their piece of happiness. Sometimes it hurts to see that I may be the only one struggling to make a life for myself. As you all may know, actually, you all don't know, that Richard and are have been separated since last calendar year, last summer. We were only married a little over a year. I find it hard now, after the breakups of my relationships, that it's harder each time make it work. I want what most people want in this world, to be love and to love in return, to have a family, to have a happy home with the people I love, to do the things that comes along that relationships seem to offer. I only long for a happy, peaceful, and fulfilling life. As you all may know, I love gardening, but that is something that I truly miss now because this new chapter of my life doesn't cater to that. Not long ago, I entered another relationship and has been a struggle making it work, so we sort of took a breather. I really want this one to work permanently, but this one seems even more challenging than the previous ones, not because of his own choosing, but because of his past also. You see, we seem to have travelled the same route in life and same passages. He too have had two failed marriages, although his life was probably more complicated than mine. A lot has happened since we started seeing each other, things that I probably should not say here because it may cause him pain for me to share with everyone. Let's just say that it's been a challenge for me to get over certain things in his past, a past that seem to still overshadow his present life. But, even with all these challenges that we face, or I face, I want so much to make all this work. It is him I want to share my life with. We seem to connect in so many levels. We want the same thing out of life and together we lead a simple life. I have to say that since my first failed marriage, God had sent good men in my life, but perhaps I jumped into each relationships way too fast, and so this time, I am taking my time before saying, "I do." They were all well educated men who have lived a good life before I came along. Each were unique in their own ways, but this last one seem extra special....I can't really tell you what it is that sets him apart, but there's something about him that keeps me from running. Anyway, life has been kind to me, regardless of how my life has developed these past few years. Perhaps there's a kind soul up there watching over me. I'm working my way to finishing school, and I will graduate this coming December. I'm graduating not necessarily with the degree I had in mind, but it's a good stepping-stone. It'll allow me to live independently and maybe pursue my ultimate goal. Really, I don't have anyone or anything blocking my way to finishing something. Perhaps it's my impatience of having the kind of life I want to have that may keep from pursuing the degree i want. But that's way up the road...I'll think about it when I cross that bridge. For now, I need to focus on graduating in December and passing the NCLEX in the summer. Since meeting Bill, I've had many firsts. This past fall, I went skydiving and hang gliding, not sure why. Maybe it was to prove something to myself that I can face my greatest fears in life. Bill on weekends fly skydivers, as well as being an English professor. I sometime would fly with him and watch in awe as the skydivers, who became good friends of mine, jump out of the plane. For months they tried to coax me into jumping with them but my fear of simply getting out of the plane froze me. So, each time they offered, I would decline, until one day, I just said yes without thinking what I was saying. Before I knew it, I was 10 thousand feet up the ground, ready to jump. It was crazy. The jumping out of the plain part were simply a blur. I felt my face being pulled by sheer gravity as I was falling down from the sky. It scared me to look down because I have a slight fear of heights, so I kept my gaze at the horizon. When the chute opened, it was a beautiful feeling, incredible. We slowly floated down because we were both light. The air kept us afloat for a while. Until now, the initial jumping out still scares me, but the floating part calls to me. Hang gliding is the same...same feeling of great freedom. It must be how birds feel being so up high in the sky. Another first that I always dreamed of doing since moving here on the peninsula is visiting Tangier. I got to do that three times. It was amazing...Bill took us on his boat, probably 45 minutes ride to the island, and that place was so cool. WE ate at place called Hilda Crocket's Restaurant. I took a lot of pictures while there. BTW, here's an irony in being in this place. When Richard, my second husband, first moved here on the shore, he was the Tuesday doctor there for many years. He and his nurse, Wanda (a friend of mine now), would fly there on those days and take care of sick people. They flew on a small plane, one like a crop duster's plane. This island is a tourist attraction, extremely small, and out in the middle of the Chesapeake Bay. It reminded me of Camotes Island, though Camotes is much bigger in comparison. Anyway, I say it's ironic that it wasn't Richard who took me there, and before I met Richard, I always thought to myself that I will visit Tangier with the man I love....I think that's the irony of it all...maybe it's a sign. Don't get me wrong, I love Richard. He's a good man, but I don't think he was meant to ever get married. His whole life revolved around community services. It's his entire life. He's the guy who started a library in this rural town, a guy passionate with political events because he wants the underprivileged taken care of and not to suffer further. He's the guy who could have worked elsewhere and make tons of money, but he choose this place and make a difference. So, Iike I said, I have been blessed that great men have touched my life. It all changed my perspective in life. A little bit of Richard's causes live in me, and I too want to make a difference and help out those who have no voice. As always, I always go out of tandem and go off topic. But that's that, I will post some of the pictures I have of Tangier and the pictures I have taken this past year. I may even post pictures of when Bill and I went to see Obama in Virginia Beach not too long ago, that is if I haven't lost them since his computer crashed recently. Well, friends, I hope you've been updated by me. YOu all pray for your crazy friend her who stills struggles to make life for herself. I don't want your pity, but maybe I want your support, prayer, and understanding. |
